It Takes Courage to Empathise
Why is this happening to me? Why do I have all the troubles in the world? These are the questions that come to mind when we face adversity. In those moments of suffering, everything seems futile and all problems appear insurmountable. So if everyone feels this way when they go through difficult times, that would mean that every person's problem is bigger than everyone else's. This might balance out if we all face troubles at separate times. But what if two people are in distress at the same time? How does one person's pain compete with the other's? It is not a competition. The solution is empathy.
One of my friends had suffered a personal loss in 2018. She plunged into a deep state of misery thereafter. I had never seen her like that. I had not realised that there could be so much angst inside this person whom I had known for a decade. And how could I have? How often do we stop to contemplate what the people around us are feeling, until we actually see it with our eyes or experience it ourselves? But let me assure you, when you do see it, for some time, the foundation of your beliefs would shake. Because until that moment you had always thought that this person had everything possible for a normal, happy life. You did not think that they had any reason to feel sad.
I call this the easiest form of empathy, or "Reactive Empathy". My heart was swell with compassion for my friend. For the time to come, I made sure to do everything in my capacity to make my friend cheery again. And this time I did not want an illusion of her happiness. I wanted her to be really happy. Fulfilling this vow was straightforward once I made sure to be there for her without judgement. I created a safe space around myself where she could express herself freely. There were no questions asked ever, no quid pro quo. Though I won't deny that I enjoyed that extra time with my married friend extremely! I don't think I did anything saintly by being so for her. We all have this natural tendency to extend compassion to the people we love when we find them in hardship. That is why I call this the easiest form of empathy. Everyone can do it. Almost everyone does it.
Some fortunate beings have the gift of mindfulness. I call this "Proactive Empathy". This kind of empathy is not restricted to the people we love. It is a regular state of awareness of people's (prospective) concerns and acting accordingly. With proactive empathy we let go of the feeling that we are the only ones suffering in the world. The general mantra of proactive empathy is "we all got worries". My reactive empathy paved the way for proactive empathy in me. Once I had seen my brilliant friend in affliction, I was not going back to believing that all was peachy with the rest around me. I became perceptive of people's agony.
In December 2019, I was bestowed with some issues of my own. I pretty much hit rock bottom. Then, I also fell into the usual, "Why me!?" trap. The answer to this question was retrospection and identification of a problem and as a solution to that problem, I decided to reform certain ways of my life. In that frenzy to rebuild myself, I let the empathy that I had carefully inculcated during the past year, slide. As if I had exhausted all my compassion reserves for others. My friend whom I had vowed to make happy against all odds, seemed petulant to me now. I did not have the courage for the most rigorous form of empathy, or as I call it "Selfless Empathy".
It is not unnatural for us humans to feel that way, but it just isn't seemly. It is not sufficient to empathise when it is convenient for us. It has to be our way of life, in sickness and in health. When the pandemic hit in March 2020, I saw people run out of jobs and out of money. All this was happening when I was working from home comfortably, saving on all non-essential expenditures and my employer was generating more revenue than they had in the past year! This put everything in a whole new perspective for me. Gratitude was my first reaction. But the most important learning was that I really had nothing to complain about. And that's when I realised that this is a perpetual phenomenon. At any time, when we are feeling miserable, there is another one who is feeling worse.
We cannot discount anybody's troubles. I think it is safe to make this an absolute rule. It is, however, okay to take the time to manage your own problems. To be in line with the airplane safety measures, "please put on your own oxygen mask before setting out to help others". Empathy does not mean that you have to forget your own sorrows and dedicate yourself to the others. Empathy simply requires recognising the woes of other people in addition to yours. For instance, in almost all support group programs, one cannot become a sponsor until they have regained the mental strength themselves. But every member of the group sits in that circle everyday, to listen to and accept each other's story. The patience to listen and the courage to accept are the buttresses of empathy.